Let Me Fall.

'' Let me feel.
I don't care if I break down,
Let me fall,
Even if I hit the ground.
And if I cry a little,
Die a little,
Atleast I know I lived just a little. ''

I cuddled with my teddy bear, tossing and turning in my bed as a tear rolled down my cheek, stayed on my pillow for a moment, the moment stayed as I stared, the moment hovered for more and then it was gone with the tear, vanishing and soaking into the pillow. I blankly stared at the dim, dirty yellow fancy bulbs that hung on my wall, leaving the room look like a place where all sadistic pleasures came to life. Atleast it looked like that to me. The lights reflected sharply in my eyes, still they felt like two dark blots begging for brightness, but, tired, they shut down, gave up, just like my hopes.

With my eyes shut, I can, let's say, see the darkness, I can feel the darkness, I can feel myself take it all in.

It's pitch dark. I can feel the warmth of the yellow light on my face. I slowly reached out for the switch and turned it off, crawling back into my bed. I shut my eyes, trying to put myself to sleep. I'm contemplating.  I can feel the blood burn and rush through my veins, I can feel my eyes burning,  I can feel how it feels not being able to breathe.  I held my breath for a short moment and then, finally,  I gave in.

It's dark. I'm trying not to replay the memories that I've been replaying since a long time.  I do not wish to go through the pain again, but it seems that I have no choice. The more I run away from it, twice as much I come back to it.  But as usual,  I give in. I give in. I fall once again.  Into the dump,  into the mess, into a turmoil of emotions. And for a change, I feel its fine. I find it better, to fall, to let it all out. Please don't stop me, let me fall. Let me throw it all out by taking it all in.  It's exposure, it's closure, it's a way of getting high now. Let me read myself like an untold story. Let me feel myself like a nightmare.  I see a spot in this darkness. I hit it. I break free. I give in but I don't. It's a state of confusion.  Let my tears flow like my emotions.  Even if my feelings turn concrete like a wall, please, please,  Let Me Fall.

How About Now.

"When every hour could be the last,
Why would we wait, why would we wait.
And every road can be unsafe,
But we'll be okay, we'll make it, we'll make it.
It's just who we are,
Say where to go and I know that I won't slow down,
It's just who we are and we will do anything we dream about,
                       How About Now? "
                                                 - Martijn Garritsen.

You know that feeling?  When you're at home on a Sunday, lying down and just feeling so relaxed, when you have the whole night to yourself. And then you suddenly think about going back to school the next day and it just ruins the night? I feel the same for every passing moment and I think I'm losing it but then suddenly I start thinking so as to what is bothering me because,  well I'm seventeen and I'm young but I still feel as if I'm some grown up with serious issues but then again I realised that age is just a number.
                                              There is a lot left to be done. Today? Tomorrow?  Don't know?
Why wait?  What are you waiting for? We have right now and that's what I think is correct for all of us, for this generation,  for the youth. You know there are so many things you wanna do but you won't or maybe you just chuck it. Like how you want to face someone, like how you want to cut someone off of your life, like how you want to confess something or maybe how you just can't take it anymore and you just want to fight for yourself.  I don't know what's holding us back. Mostly Fear. Fear of feeling,  fear of getting rejected and what not. You have to get your work done someday and things worth having never come easily,  so why wait? Why wait when you already know that it is going to be unsafe and risky anyways. What is life without risks? And we're so young, we're so strong that nothing can defy us.      
                              You're anyways going to do what you want to, you might as well do it right now. Because every day you wait is another day you won't get back again. So what if you're disappointed?  It's all going to be okay because you know some days are kind of messy and after all, blessed are the hearts that can bend, they shall never be broken.  Strengthen yourself to such an extent where you can give your head the permission to follow your heart.
We're young, we're beautiful, we're fine. Let's do something.  What are we waiting for?
All we have is Now.

Tonight.

'So, one day more am I defied.
Who knows but the world may end tonight.'
                                   -Robert Browning.

Who knows but the world may end tonight. Close your eyes and repeat this sentence in your mind and then give it a thought. What if the world really ends tonight? Well its highly possible because you never know. IF this world really ends tonight, then have you made the right choices,the right decisions?

                                                                                                                               I leave you with this question and give you the rest of your life to ponder over this sentence while I also try to tell you some appropriate things. Now  most of ya'll might be thinking that if this world really ends tonight, then you should've done something remarkable to leave a mark on this world or rather leave a mark on those loved ones who tonight take their last breath. But, you even  have to make sure that you leave behind some beautiful marks and not scars. When you, or , rather when 'we' end tonight, you're going to look back once instead  of looking forward to make sure that for once what you did matters. 

                For the young ones reading this,  let me tell you something. I'm sure you're making plans for the future. Sometimes when you're young , you think nothing can hurt you. Its like being,you know, kind of invincible. Your whole life is ahead of you and you have plans. Big plans. To find your perfect match, the one who completes you. But as you get older, you realise that the plans you made, were simply plans because at the end of the day, when you're looking back instead of looking forward, you want to believe that you made the most of what life gave you. You want to believe that you're leaving something good behind. You want all of it to matter. But, as time passes, you begin to realise that it's not that easy. Yes you made plans, but they're never going to be as easy as you want or expect them to be. And hence, let me quote John Green - 'Oblivion is Inevitable.' 

                   What matters is today, what matters is right now. Make your choices wisely because at the end of the day, you are what your choices make you. And if you nail today, you won't screw up tomorrow. The most important part of life is not to give yourself the bullshit reason that you keep giving for not succeeding. Because we all want to be loved, we all want to be happy. So why aren't we? Because we've become evil experts at sabotaging our own happiness, feeling like victims when in fact its the choices that we make, the vices, the bad habits, the wrong mentality, the INABILITY to show LOVE and COMPASSION. These are the things that rip us apart. We are NOT victims. We are  ASSASSINS when it comes to love and happiness. 

                             Don't worry about tomorrow and still worry about tomorrow. Make your 'right now' appropriate and beautiful, make your present right to ensure the perfection of tomorrow.  Make this happen and don't care if this world, as we know it, ends tonight because you're lucky to have this moment, to be able to breathe and take it all in . Make it count as it lasts because some messed up today and have no tomorrow. You're lucky to have today. Live it for yourself and also for the fallen. And tonight? Phrr. Don't be afraid. Because remember that in the dark of the night shine brightest of the stars. 

        'To honor the fallen, 
         We must live our lives well.' 
                                - Lucas Scott. 

P.S. I hope you enjoy the night. 

Someday.

'Yes you there. Let's cut it off for now. Maybe one day, when we're older and have things sorted out in life, we will cross paths again. When we have our lives figured out and less messed up situations to deal with. When we are older yet young enough to live our days. When we have time to sit and stare into each other's eyes. When we have no one influencing us. When we are wise enough to look out for ourselves. There's only  one thing  that I can say-"Maybe someday we will cross paths again and I will still long for you and I will still fall for you. But now, I'm storm to your thoughts and you're poison to my heart." '

Watch Me Sleep.

"It's funny how I still remember every detail. Even after being lifeless for over fifteen years, I can still visualize my body resting in the coffin. I can still remember how he watched me sleep."

I was seventeen. He was nineteen. Best of friends. Just a random day when we were hanging out at my place. Lying on the undone bed and with the cold breeze slapping our bodies on the twentieth story, it was Nature's demand. We came closer, wrapping ourselves under a thick quilt, wrapping our bodies together. Oh what relief! It was the sweetest of sleep I ever had.
After a while, my eyes opened to see him gazing at me. He likes to watch me sleep. Like sunshine lighting up my eyes, he bent down, kissed me and left while I saw him leave. Who knew it was for real. I was fooled by irony. That was the last time I saw him.

Well, not really the last time.

Four days later. Trapped in my own body, refusing to give up, it came to an end. I remember watching my own self being dressed. Lifeless. I can visualize my own self being placed in a coffin. Lifeless. I can still visualize myself in a pretty white dress, sleeping in the coffin. Lifeless.

I saw him gazing at my body, knelt down, leaning on my coffin, besides my corpse. Sobbing, he touched my forehead. I was still present there. Well lets say in 'My Both Self'. My Soul, my Body. Seperately. I saw my body, lifeless, break a few hearts that instant. But I was right there. Right besides the door. I walked ahead, through the people. Made my way to myself. Stood near my coffin, besides him.

Suddenly, he looked up. I thought he saw me. But that's when I realised, that now, he sees through me.

Turned his gaze back at the coffin. He likes to watch me sleep.

Boundaries.

'We give ourselves all these boundaries and then are proud of ourselves when we step out of them. Maybe we should just stop creating them?'

I was attending my English lecture where we were being taught a poem by Robert Frost, 'Mending Walls'. Our lecturer was just giving us a briefing of the poem ,when she tried to explain us the actual meaning of the poem, the  philosophical allusion present. Well it sounded like a very tedious poem until the actual meaning was understood. Frost has beautifully taken up the concept of how people mark their territory through walls or signs and has related this concept to how people mark their territory when it comes to certain people, certain relationships, certain situations.

We are humans. We are selfish. We are broken. We are proud. We are arrogant. We hate. We Love. We neglect. We worry. We judge.  This comes with absolutely no doubt. But,  have you ever thought why we are this way? Why all this Grudge, Love , Hate, Pride, Neglect? And the question that really needs to be answered is 'Do we treat everyone equally?' We love, we hate , we judge etc. But, do we love everyone? Do we hate everyone? Do we judge everyone? Why are we different with people?

Boundaries. It is the only word that comes to my mind when such questions arise. We mark some territories, draw some border lines , create boundaries. We draw a line between ourselves and someone else, scared to get hurt again. We mark our territories when it comes to some people or 'A' person. We draw lines between few relationships. And no matter how much this affects us, we always are ready to do this over and over again.

Why these boundaries? Why these differences? The fear of being judged? The fear of getting hurt? Or the fear of the oblivious? We keep on creating unnecessary differences between people, realationships , situation. Be it personally or on a social level. We differentiate between the rich and poor. Well aren't the poor humans? Don't they have a beating heart? Don't they have feelings? Moreover, don't they have the right to live their life? But no. We create differences. We take away certain things from them. We take away that spark and God alone knows what not. What good do we get? Nothing. Its just a pure way of mocking Humanity.
We differentiate between the White and the Black. In my opinion, this is one of the most MONOTONOUS ideas mankind could ever come up with. Creating differences between people regarding their colour. Considering the White people to be superior. Well excuse me, try thinking about people such as Barack Obama, Eddy Murphy, Nelson Mandela, Maya Angelou, Will Smith etc. Oh and maybe then, you could try and feel ashamed of what kind of species you belong to and what kind of a mindset you have. They are the same as we are. Some of them are way better than we are.

Differences between lands. We have different countries. Who indeed have their territories marked, fixed borders. Even then, are we living peacefully? Aren't we frightened by someone invading it? Aren't we scared of some kind of danger? Not only the fear of some outsider invading but also our own people turning against each other. Isn't there corruption? Isn't there fraud? WHAT ARE WE GETTING OUT OF THIS? Nothing. Then why? Why mock ourselves? Why mock God? Why mock Faith, Love and Hope? Why mock the reason of our very existence?

Differences between people, relationships.  You Love one , you hate the other. You let small things tell and tear your feelings apart. All for what? The fear of being judged? Or the fear of getting hurt?Differences between different kind of people. We judge. We judge way too much. Every Muslim is NOT a terrorist, a Girl wearing short clothes is NOT asking for anything, no there should be NOTHING known as ILLEGAL Love, every black person is NOT an outcast.

And I'm very sure that when one day we finally try to step out of these stupid, meaningless assumptions made by ourselves, we will feel much better and way too proud. Well if this is the case, why don't we just stop creating these boundaries?

'Stereotypes are the views of the Small-Minded.'

Mystery History.

Let’s say this story, rather this part of a story is about two people. Obviously, a Girl and a Boy. Two of them, with their own differences, with their own difficulties, with their own share of problems, with their own issues, with their own small pocket of happiness and with their own broken hearts. But, they didn’t know each other. Staying in the same state, a few miles apart.
                             Suddenly, one fine day, the Girl finds the Boy. Unexpectedly, in this cruel reality and in her own world of darkness, she finds this Boy. How and when is still a mystery.  Well, this Boy could easily be any girl’s charm. Intelligent, attractive, beautiful heart, capable of probably anything. The Girl found the Boy to be very understanding. Little did she know that there was someone that understood her the way she wanted, until she met this Boy. They met, they spoke , they were close now. Infact very close. The Girl had many issues. From parental abuse  to sexual abuse. But she was strong enough to handle the frustration, the pain, the despair.

                               The Boy. The face that he put on was brave. Very brave. But who knew the story behind it. He was tortured mentally and physically by his own parents at a very young age. Not willing to tolerate the pain, he realised how he needed to fight for his right. Surprising, isnt it? How a small boy could take things in his hand and be responsible at such a nurturing age. Well, that’s what makes him, Him. What he is now. At his early teenage,he was independent, he was capable of supporting himself. Most of all, he was capable of putting up with this world.

                            The Girl. Young age of fifteen. Maturely immature, with her own pack of issues. She was a writer. Not a good one but what people called her was ‘fine’. She had been through enough problems. Parental abuse, society views, education problems,but she was as jolly as a clown. But she had gone through things that no one could ever imagine. From crying herself to sleep at night to waking up with a fake smile, she had been through the darkest of times. She was a ‘human’. She found happiness in the world of others, she felt flawless when she made people happy, in a way she loved her world , but on the contrary, she knew the cruel reality. Whatever she had been through, there was one thing she was absolutely sure of and believed in, and that was the ‘Truth’. She believed that the Truth was absolute. Absolute even when the Truth was more cruel than any other lie.

Well, we know their differences? But they had way more in common. Similar issues, similar situations and more than anything else, they both had a broken heart. They suddenly found each other and started sharing ‘themselves’ with each other. They Boy did everything he could to get the Girl to believe in herself. More than that, the Boy believed in the Girl. He did everything he could to make the girl feel comfortable, try not to hurt her feelings. Last but definitely not the least, he tried his best to not let the Girl feel lonely. Irrespective of all this, the Girl didn’t realise how much he sacrificed for her, how much he loved her and how much he cared for her.
                                                                                          Obviously she also cared a lot for the Boy but didn’t know how to show it because until now, she hadn't realised how much the Boy had done for her. She loved the Boy a lot, but wasn't sure whether she could show it or not because of her repeatedly broken heart. On the other hand, the Boy now refused to trust the Girl. Again, because of his broken heart which the Girl had now damaged more.    

             They both had their times together. They met. They cuddled. They fell asleep in each others arms. They had silly talks. They whispered in each others ears. They stared into each others eyes. They adored each other.  They played with each other like small kids. In short, they loved each other, unknowingly.
But, the Girl couldn’t reciprocate. She didn’t  know how to and morever, she didn’t realise that she had to. They started drifting apart, more and more , day by day. They started fighting. They started yelling. Frighteningly, they started regretting.
                         Soon, none of them could take it anymore. They started fighting again andd again. They started hating each other, more and more, day by day. The Girl spent her time crying , wondering, wishing, dying. The Boy spent his time distracing himself, trying not to be bothered more. He was quite good at this. He was good at it because he knew how much it hurt. Though he loved the Girl, he had to let go of her. Though he loved the Girl, he couldn’t let her know. On the contrary, the Girl couldn’t let him go. She was not ready to lose him yet. She wasn’t ready to stop loving him, yet. She wasn’t ready to forget the look in his beautiful coloured eyes, yet. She couldn’t let go.
                                                                                           But now it was crossing a limit, where none of them could take it anymore. Fights increased, the pain multiplied. Finally, there came a time when they had to say goodbye. They were not meant to be together, they couldn’t lie. Just when ,one day, they decided to end it. He yelled, She cried. She tried, he denied. He explained, she logomachized, Both of them knew, it was time to let go. Time to say goodbye. They had their share of argument. The Boy had to end it, he couldn't take it anymore. Suddenly, his tone changed and a wave of emotion took over him. He thought of the Girl. In a split second, he could see all the beautiful memories he'd had with her. He raised his voice and said "Everytime that I have kissed you, I have kissed you with all my heart. Ive kissed you with all my heart, always. Because I believed in you, but now it's time to let go. Please." Melting on these words, the Girl had no choice, she had to let go.
                                                           Their differences might be there for a while, but their similarities will never fade. Both have a broken heart, again they’re afraid. How funny is Fate? They loved each other, but they could never say. Even when they said their goodbye’s, it was just the end of a friendship but little did they know it was also the start of bleakness, all over again. The Boy can never forget how the Girl would smile, giggle and be stupid all the time. The Girl will never forget his eyes and how he kissed her everytime with so much love until she could cry.
                                                         A Fate so cruel that it takes away known things unknowingly, a fate so cruel it leaves them with no words. The Girl doesn’t know how much the Boy misses her, the Boy will never know how much the Girl loved him. It all came to an end. Soon. They were back to square one. They were now scared of people, reality and they were scared of getting their hearts broken, again. They were strangers again, alone, unhappy, frightened, going through all the pain once again. The Boy is unhappy, the Girl feels guilty. The Boy regrets his days with the Girl. The Girl now finds it very hard to trust someone again. She never knew she could hurt someone because she didn't make much difference in anyone's life before. Before He happened to Her. The Boy might move on. Maybe he doesn't have to, because he had never fallen for her. But the Girl is in pain, again. Their relation is now like that of the Moon and the Wolf. The Wolf cries at night looking at The Moon. He cries because he knows that he love's a love that he will never reach. Just like the Girl, who know's she loved a love she would never get. This is how it ends. Though they are dead to each other, they will always live forever in each others hearts. After all, that’s what love’s about right? Neverending. Well, how they met is still a mystery. But now, they are just the history.