'' Let me feel.
I don't care if I break down,
Let me fall,
Even if I hit the ground.
And if I cry a little,
Die a little,
Atleast I know I lived just a little. ''
I cuddled with my teddy bear, tossing and turning in my bed as a tear rolled down my cheek, stayed on my pillow for a moment, the moment stayed as I stared, the moment hovered for more and then it was gone with the tear, vanishing and soaking into the pillow. I blankly stared at the dim, dirty yellow fancy bulbs that hung on my wall, leaving the room look like a place where all sadistic pleasures came to life. Atleast it looked like that to me. The lights reflected sharply in my eyes, still they felt like two dark blots begging for brightness, but, tired, they shut down, gave up, just like my hopes.
With my eyes shut, I can, let's say, see the darkness, I can feel the darkness, I can feel myself take it all in.
It's pitch dark. I can feel the warmth of the yellow light on my face. I slowly reached out for the switch and turned it off, crawling back into my bed. I shut my eyes, trying to put myself to sleep. I'm contemplating. I can feel the blood burn and rush through my veins, I can feel my eyes burning, I can feel how it feels not being able to breathe. I held my breath for a short moment and then, finally, I gave in.
It's dark. I'm trying not to replay the memories that I've been replaying since a long time. I do not wish to go through the pain again, but it seems that I have no choice. The more I run away from it, twice as much I come back to it. But as usual, I give in. I give in. I fall once again. Into the dump, into the mess, into a turmoil of emotions. And for a change, I feel its fine. I find it better, to fall, to let it all out. Please don't stop me, let me fall. Let me throw it all out by taking it all in. It's exposure, it's closure, it's a way of getting high now. Let me read myself like an untold story. Let me feel myself like a nightmare. I see a spot in this darkness. I hit it. I break free. I give in but I don't. It's a state of confusion. Let my tears flow like my emotions. Even if my feelings turn concrete like a wall, please, please, Let Me Fall.
