Let Me Fall.

'' Let me feel.
I don't care if I break down,
Let me fall,
Even if I hit the ground.
And if I cry a little,
Die a little,
Atleast I know I lived just a little. ''

I cuddled with my teddy bear, tossing and turning in my bed as a tear rolled down my cheek, stayed on my pillow for a moment, the moment stayed as I stared, the moment hovered for more and then it was gone with the tear, vanishing and soaking into the pillow. I blankly stared at the dim, dirty yellow fancy bulbs that hung on my wall, leaving the room look like a place where all sadistic pleasures came to life. Atleast it looked like that to me. The lights reflected sharply in my eyes, still they felt like two dark blots begging for brightness, but, tired, they shut down, gave up, just like my hopes.

With my eyes shut, I can, let's say, see the darkness, I can feel the darkness, I can feel myself take it all in.

It's pitch dark. I can feel the warmth of the yellow light on my face. I slowly reached out for the switch and turned it off, crawling back into my bed. I shut my eyes, trying to put myself to sleep. I'm contemplating.  I can feel the blood burn and rush through my veins, I can feel my eyes burning,  I can feel how it feels not being able to breathe.  I held my breath for a short moment and then, finally,  I gave in.

It's dark. I'm trying not to replay the memories that I've been replaying since a long time.  I do not wish to go through the pain again, but it seems that I have no choice. The more I run away from it, twice as much I come back to it.  But as usual,  I give in. I give in. I fall once again.  Into the dump,  into the mess, into a turmoil of emotions. And for a change, I feel its fine. I find it better, to fall, to let it all out. Please don't stop me, let me fall. Let me throw it all out by taking it all in.  It's exposure, it's closure, it's a way of getting high now. Let me read myself like an untold story. Let me feel myself like a nightmare.  I see a spot in this darkness. I hit it. I break free. I give in but I don't. It's a state of confusion.  Let my tears flow like my emotions.  Even if my feelings turn concrete like a wall, please, please,  Let Me Fall.

How About Now.

"When every hour could be the last,
Why would we wait, why would we wait.
And every road can be unsafe,
But we'll be okay, we'll make it, we'll make it.
It's just who we are,
Say where to go and I know that I won't slow down,
It's just who we are and we will do anything we dream about,
                       How About Now? "
                                                 - Martijn Garritsen.

You know that feeling?  When you're at home on a Sunday, lying down and just feeling so relaxed, when you have the whole night to yourself. And then you suddenly think about going back to school the next day and it just ruins the night? I feel the same for every passing moment and I think I'm losing it but then suddenly I start thinking so as to what is bothering me because,  well I'm seventeen and I'm young but I still feel as if I'm some grown up with serious issues but then again I realised that age is just a number.
                                              There is a lot left to be done. Today? Tomorrow?  Don't know?
Why wait?  What are you waiting for? We have right now and that's what I think is correct for all of us, for this generation,  for the youth. You know there are so many things you wanna do but you won't or maybe you just chuck it. Like how you want to face someone, like how you want to cut someone off of your life, like how you want to confess something or maybe how you just can't take it anymore and you just want to fight for yourself.  I don't know what's holding us back. Mostly Fear. Fear of feeling,  fear of getting rejected and what not. You have to get your work done someday and things worth having never come easily,  so why wait? Why wait when you already know that it is going to be unsafe and risky anyways. What is life without risks? And we're so young, we're so strong that nothing can defy us.      
                              You're anyways going to do what you want to, you might as well do it right now. Because every day you wait is another day you won't get back again. So what if you're disappointed?  It's all going to be okay because you know some days are kind of messy and after all, blessed are the hearts that can bend, they shall never be broken.  Strengthen yourself to such an extent where you can give your head the permission to follow your heart.
We're young, we're beautiful, we're fine. Let's do something.  What are we waiting for?
All we have is Now.